how do i describe

what i'm feeling now?

i'm sad.

certain things trigger memories of our time together and i burst into tears. in the shower, in front of the tv, in bed at night. i believe him when he said the good times we had together was real, that he really did care about me, and when he said that he still does. i don't believe i was played or that he's a player.

i'm disappointed.

he could have handled it better. he could have sat me down and we could have had a proper discussion when i first raised the question. instead, he left me floundering for weeks, wondering what was happening. i thought that we were at least close enough friends to have been able to discuss things rationally, like the adults we are. obviously, only one of us was the adult (why is it always the woman?).

i'm relieved.

that all the questions have been answered and at least i know where i stand. behind all the sadness, i feel a certain calmness. i'm glad this state of not knowing is over.

i'm bewildered. i was a bit blindsided by the reason he gave. maybe i knew even though i didn't want to accept it. maybe i was in denial.

i'm don't know what to do now.

i think i want to stay away and wallow in my grief for a while. he's still available for me to talk to. but i don't think i want to just yet.

i want to cry and let it all out. i want to feel better and stronger first. i want to be able to talk to him without breaking down. i want to go through a day without crying.

when that happens, then i will talk to him again. after all, we started out as friends and i don't want to lose that, even after everything that has happened.