i'm sorry

i have been ignoring the signs that You have been giving me.

You kept telling me in Your countless ways that it was all wrong and that he was all wrong.

but i didn't listen.

still, You kept bestowing Your wisdom, urging me to trust You.

and still i didn't.

i've been too stubborn, too headstrong and was blinded by hope.

a baseless, useless hope.

a foolish hope.

in that foolish hope, i placed my heart, my dreams, only for them to be broken.

crushed.

i can only be thankful that You never gave up in sending and showing me those signs.

You were persistent and kind, even when i chose to ignore You, even as i insisted on following my own stubbornness.

and now,

i tire of the pain,
of the sorrow,
of the endless disappointment.

only You have never failed me.

so i surrender to Your wisdom,
i trust Your judgement,
i place my hope in You.

only You are worthy of it.

Thank You for showing me the way.

i have no joy

in my life.

it feels empty.

i drift from minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day in a state of hollowness and loneliness.

the things that used to bring joy and comfort don't do anything for me anymore.

the things that i used to enjoy doing, i don't anymore.

it's like somewhere, someone flicked off the light switch in my life.

i need to find that light switch again.

i need to find light again.

i need to find the joy within myself.

i had it once.

i can find it again.

i'm pondering

over the question of cutting off all ties.

it's something that i'd tried to do in the past weeks but have failed miserably.

because every time i talk to him, i always end up angry or feel bad about myself.

that can't be good.

common sense tells me that i need to make a clean break, take the time to heal and if i want to, continue the friendship once i feel better about myself.

but more and more, i'm questioning whether it is a friendship worth saving.

his actions and behaviour are making me question whether he is worth being friends with.

i mean, what am i really losing by not befriending him?

love? he doesn't love me.
care? he doesn't care about me.
friendship? he hasn't been a good friend at all lately. he hasn't been a friend, period.

the person that he is now, it's not someone that i'd care about.

so is he really worth it even as a friend?

i need to search myself for that answer.

i read

somewhere that it takes chemistry AND character to make a lasting relationship.

chemistry to ignite it, and character to sustain it.

we had chemistry, didn't we? that was what drew us together.

unfortunately, our characters didn't mesh.

and the chemistry wasn't enough. the chemistry gave me such high expectations for us. it gave me such high a hope.

but the things that i had hoped for, you didn't have. might as i tried to look for them in you, you don't have them.

we were compatible and we shared common interests. but we didn't have the same goals, values and priorities in life.

and at the end of the day, getting along and a shared love for music weren't enough.

to build a life together, we had to see the same future together.

and that we didn't.

i realise that now. i can see that now.

i dont know

you anymore.

you've become a stranger to me.

i can't see the person whom i use to care about so much. you are no longer that person.

and it's not just me; it's all of our friends. you seem to be pushing, driving us away.

it's like you are doing all this on purpose so that we'll stop caring.

and you're doing a mighty fine job of that.

if this is how you wish to live your life, that's your choice.

you may use your charm or whatever to make people care about you. but if you keep driving them away once they get too close, one day you'll find that you've run out of people who will.

and when you want to turn to those who did, it'll be too late.

it's been difficult

but i've taken baby steps to heal.

i've removed myself from his life - as a friend, as an acquaintance, as someone who was close to him. i've made myself unavailable.

i don't think he misses me one bit. and even if he did just a little bit, he's the kind of person who can just brush such feelings away.

as time passes and as i slowly wrench my heart back, the more i can see how he was no good for me.

i read back my previous posts and i could see how futile things were. i've never been insecure but i allowed him to plant seeds of insecurities in me and those seeds grew fertile in my mind.

and the loser was me.

he didn't lose anything. he didn't care. he has moved on and dismissed whatever we had.

how could i ever think that i loved such a man?

now, i'm not sure whether i am mourning the loss of him or just the loss of the intimacy and attention from someone.

but i know time is my best friend. time will heal me. time will help me forgive.

but i will never forget.