what a day

it has been.

i was doing so fine, i was living my life and then with one sms, things changed abruptly and a chain of events was set off. i still am surprised by the whole thing.

i'm wondering why he's being like this. i thought he would be ok and would understand so i'm again bewildered by his reaction.

it appeared to be the reaction of a guilty, confused man.

my question is: what caused the guilt? hmmmm.

but even so, i think i'm ok. there are still things i want to know but i realised that if things really did happen like that, i would still be ok.

i think it shows i'm slowly getting over it.

an old favourite

that was re-sent to me today by a friend.

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS ORGRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that youcan tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity tomake some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes,it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

i couldn't wait

to share my pain.

unlike my previous experiences where i just curled up and sobbed my days away, i didn't this time.

i had learned that the quicker i addressed and acknowledged the pain, the less difficult it is to overcome.

unlike before, i wasn't ashamed or embarassed - i didn't do anything wrong.

i told everyone who knew about us. i tried to be as objective and as rational as i could, telling his side of the story as well as mine.

and their words of comfort embraced me like a warm duvet on a cold night:

(to my fear that i had bored him) : "was he that interesting to you all the time anyway?" (answer: no.)

"if he couldn't see or appreciate just how much you cared about him, then he doesn't deserve you. one day, he will regret it."

"even if it had gone any further, would you have really wanted a future with him? even after all that he has put you through?"

"you are a great, wonderful girl. he was lucky to have you for that short time in his life. you should find someone who will appreciate and cherish you."

"you got to him. he got scared. do you really want such a coward?"

"if this is just how he treats you and your relationship now, he's not the kind of man you want to be spending the rest of your life with."

"he's so selfish."

"he let you go. let it be his big mistake."

"you are better off without him. be grateful that he told you when he did and not later."

"love yourself. take care of you. forget about him. one day, you'll find someone who won't hesitate to love you and who will can't believe his luck that he found you."

"let him realise his mistake and come crawling back to you. then reject him." (this, i think, will never happen. but i love my friend for saying so.)

why he and i can never work

1. he's inconsiderate
2. he's self-centred
3. he doesn't have family values
4. he's not communicative
5. he loves but doesn't take care of his pets very well
6. he's not a warm person
7. he doesn't have a stand against anything
8. he can't commit - not even to a meal over the weekend.

how do i describe

what i'm feeling now?

i'm sad.

certain things trigger memories of our time together and i burst into tears. in the shower, in front of the tv, in bed at night. i believe him when he said the good times we had together was real, that he really did care about me, and when he said that he still does. i don't believe i was played or that he's a player.

i'm disappointed.

he could have handled it better. he could have sat me down and we could have had a proper discussion when i first raised the question. instead, he left me floundering for weeks, wondering what was happening. i thought that we were at least close enough friends to have been able to discuss things rationally, like the adults we are. obviously, only one of us was the adult (why is it always the woman?).

i'm relieved.

that all the questions have been answered and at least i know where i stand. behind all the sadness, i feel a certain calmness. i'm glad this state of not knowing is over.

i'm bewildered. i was a bit blindsided by the reason he gave. maybe i knew even though i didn't want to accept it. maybe i was in denial.

i'm don't know what to do now.

i think i want to stay away and wallow in my grief for a while. he's still available for me to talk to. but i don't think i want to just yet.

i want to cry and let it all out. i want to feel better and stronger first. i want to be able to talk to him without breaking down. i want to go through a day without crying.

when that happens, then i will talk to him again. after all, we started out as friends and i don't want to lose that, even after everything that has happened.

finally

he finds the guts to tell me what i've sensed in my gut for some time.

he's thinks we've gotten too close and he has suddenly realised that he doesn't want to lead me on.

he doesn't think he can commit to me and so to avoid disappointing me in the future, he has to disappoint me now.

although i knew it was coming, it still hit hard when it came.

i asked him, was any of it real? did you really ever care about me? he said yes, i did and i still do. it's just that we've become too close, he repeated.

i asked and i asked, and he answered as best as he could. and all it came back to was: we've become too close.

i began to thank him for all the times we'd spent together but then he said why are you acting as if it's the last farewell?

i said it's not but from now, i have to view you on a different emotional level. you don't want us to be close anymore so i have to condition myself to stop seeing you as someone that i can just pick up the phone and talk to. it's different now. you're different to me.

we've heard this stories before, haven't we? they just never happened to us. before.

what do i do now?

how can i live through my days knowing that he's not thinking of me at all?

that the one thing i did wrong was to love him and all i wanted was to be with him.

i hope he finds what he's looking for. even if it's not me.

i suppose

why i'm finding it difficult to accept that it's over is because he was the first man i felt a real connection to.

all my life up to him, i'd thought, no, i knew, that i was different from others. i'm no stereotype - i've never 'fitted' here, there, anywhere.

and i had always thought that i'll never find someone who'd really GET me.

and then i met him. people said we were soulmates.

and i really thought we were. for the connection and attachment was so real, i could touch it, hold it, embrace it.

and i really thought it would go the distance.

that WE would go the distance.

i thought we had strength and trust in our relationship, and our bond was unbreakable because we could talk things through. because we could always talk things through.

imagine my surprise when he started giving me the cold shoulder, stopped calling, not sharing details of his daily life with me.

what's a girl to think? all signs point to another woman, right?

while i'm sad, mostly i'm disappointed that he has turned out this way. i'd always tagged such actions to cowardice. and i didn't figure him to be a coward.

what has this episode of my life taught me?

i rack my brains to find out what i've done wrong. and the only conclusion that i can come to is: NONE.

i'm not clingy, i'm supportive, i'm caring, i'm kind.

so it's not me; it's him. he can't commit, he wants to answer to no one, he values his freedom to much.

and i guess i got too close, i was in his life too much.

because of that, he viewed it as an infringement of his life.

and so i'm now disregarded, discarded.

it's the worst feeling in the world, you know.

when you realise that someone who loved you and who said he loved you, doesn't anymore.

worst feeling in the world.

god, it's hard

he's constantly at the back of my mind

in every sight i see

in every word of conversation i have

in every lyric of songs i hear

the thought of him lingers

i know the pain will ease

but that's in the future

unfortunately, i live in the present

and living in the present

hurts like hell.

my instincts

tell me it's over.

he's unattentive, he doesn't call like before, we don't meet as often and when we do see each other, it's stilted, awkward, like we're back to being strangers.

i miss our closeness. i miss our conversations of nothing and everything. i miss seeking his opinion, i miss him seeking mine. i miss being the first person he tells his news, i miss him being mine. i miss his touch, i miss touching him.

i miss him.

and even though he hasn't said anything, he doesn't have to.

in the deepest of my heart, i know his is no longer with me.

what gets me the most, though, is that i really thought what we had had meant something. we journeyed through so much and to many places together.

i thought i had gotten under his skin, had touched his soul, had a place in his heart.

i guess i was naive.

after all, he had a track record. but like women since the beginning of time, i had thought that i was different. that i was special. that i was the one.

my brain tells me i can do better. that i deserve better. that i deserve to have what i want.

my heart tells me different. it pines. it yearns.

it breaks.

i'm tired

of not being important enough to him.

of having to second-guess his behaviour and actions.

of waiting for the phone call that never comes.

of being available to him.

i can see, as time eats away at me, more and more that he is not the one for me. and slowly, i'm consciously and forcingly letting him go in my heart.

he can never change. and he will never change, not even at the expense of losing me.

i don't think he will ever let anyone mean that much to him. even if he might let that on, in his heart, he doesn't need anyone. and i think he really doesn't.

i'm sad because i don't think i had imagined all this feelings and all this time we've spent together.

but i'm grateful for the time spent with him.

he made me realise i could love again.