i can see clearly now

what kind of a man he is.

someone who is enthusiastic in the beginning about making friends and establishing relations.

and then later when he is bored or feels they are getting too close, he shuts down.

and the way he does that is by disrespecting, disregarding, ignoring them, and stop being the 'good friend' that he was before.

he just simple 'disappears' from the relationship.

once in a while, he'd initiate contact but that's just to assure himself that he still 'has' them as friends.

and they'd think he was 'back' because he was a good friend before so probably he was just too busy or occupied with other things to spend time with them.

unfortunately, they are making assumptions based on the 'him' that they thought they knew.

not the real him.

and when he is satisfied that they are still his friends, just as fast, he withdraws and stays away again.

he is too self-involved to care or be bothered to consider other people's feelings or thoughts.

he only seeks people out when it suits him. he doesn't bother to the rest of the time.

this is the real him.

i can see him clearly now.

i feel better

than i did a week ago.

there's a lot less crying, there's a lot less mourning.

i still pine for whatever it was i thought we had - there's a certain emptiness in me - but i'm so certain that feeling will go away soon.

i felt bad about what i did yesterday.

he was being civil and friendly - but i was just too annoyed and mad at him. and then i thought about all those times that i was ignored and disregarded. then i didn't feel so bad after that.

the thing is, though, knowing him, it was just like water of a duck's back. he didn't feel anything.

i'm a bit angry at myself - it's not in my nature to be like that (it's in his though) - but that was the hurt talking, i guess.

did it make me feel better?

a bit. i felt i had somehow empowered myself.

and thus i find strength in my decision and am convinced this is the right path to recovery.

this is the best path for me.