i think

this is my first adult relationship.

is this how adult relationships work?

we're taking our time, taking it slow.

there's no headlong rush to spend every free moment with each other, no phone call every two hours to find out what the other is doing. there's acknowledgement of the significance of the other in one's life but no urgency for it to lead anywhere.

i'm not sure i like it.

or is it because i'm not used to it?

maybe i shouldn't compare this to what i had before. after all, look at where they all went.

so maybe trying this one this way is good.

i'd like to see where it leads. but i'm just scared that it'll lead nowhere, too.

i wake up every day thinking 'is the day when it is going to end?'

that's not a good way of conducting a relationship, is it?

why do i feel so insecure?

i feel like shaking him senseless and ask him that. doesn't he know he makes me feel this way?

again

he breaks my heart.

i dont know why he does it.

am i so small that i can slip out of his mind so easily?

i am coming to accept that i will always be brushed aside.

and i dont think i can live with that.

as much as i want to believe it can happen and he will change, deep in my heart, i know it can never happen.

and slowly, i'm letting go.

do i really want to do this?

it's a question i ask myself every day.

i know all the feminist mantra -

"you should never settle for what you are only partly happy with"

"you deserve better"

"you should be with someone who makes you feel good, not bad"

- but why is it so difficult to follow?!

i think that soon, i will have to accept that we have can't go far. that we value things too differently - what's important to me is not to him and vice versa.

and they're too big to be insignificant - i can't just ignore them or sweep them under the carpet for what i think is love.

is it love?

he has said it many times. i haven't. because i don't know what it is.

and i don't know whether what i feel for him, as strong as it is sometimes, is really love.

but that's just it. is this really how he loves? is this the only way he KNOWS how to love?

as much as i feel it, i don't think it's enough for me.

i want a man who

includes me

sees me as a significant part of his life

is interested in me, every aspect of me

has the same values that i do in relationships, love and life

understands where i'm coming from

is bothered enough to ask what's bugging me

is faithful and holds what we have sacred and precious

loves me, warts and all.

yesterday

i was entertaining the thought of calling the whole thing off. i mean, i should be happy and certain and not second-guessing all the time. i deserve that much.

i want someone who wants to be with me, who wants to spend time with me, who WANTS me to be with him, who makes the effort.

not someone who goes off by himself without telling anyone. wihout telling me!

but then today, he's making up for it. and i love him all over again.

the cycle of whine continues.