i let you go

my heart is in infinite pieces - just how broken it is, you'll never know.

in its state, it's doing a final act to save itself - it's letting you go.

so go and find whatever it is you are looking for. i wish you the best of everything, in all that you do.

may you continue to bring joy and happiness to the people you meet - it's a gift i had the privilege to enjoy. even in that short while, you gave me such happiness that i never thought i'd ever get to experience in my life.

thank you for showing to me that it is POSSIBLE.

and most of all, i hope you will find your own joy.

i know you like i know myself. and you know it too just as you yourself had said. that we are the same.

i know deep in your heart, you are not happy. so just as i know of the emptiness inside me that has yet to be filled, i know too this emptiness exists inside you. because we are one and the same.

it is fate that we will not be on this journey together.

and so i let you go.

i'm tired

of feeling miserable.

it's been nearly 3 months but why am i still into him?

i know i can't force things but i soooo want to move on with my life.

but my mind keeps going back to him.

what is he doing. who is he with. who does he talk to. who does he see. who's making him laugh.

it's pathetic, i know.

my friends say don't fight it, wallow in my grief.

other friends say fight it, force your thoughts on other things, don't waste your time and efforts on him.

and in my heart, i do know, that is what i should be doing. that is what i MUST do.

sometimes i can. but most times, my thoughts are drawn back to him. i may not think of him for an hour or two but then at night, when i lie in bed, he will be the last thing i think of.

WHY IS IT SO BLOODY DIFFICULT TO GET THE BASTARD OUT OF MY HEAD?!

friends recommended the following remedies:

1. slut around
2. get a hobby
3. always be surrounded by people, don't be alone

no 1 is not me. i can DATE a lot of men but what's the point when i'm not ready? i'd be wasting my time and theirs.

no 2 - i already have hobbies and they don't help.

no 3 - my friends have lives and i don't want to encroach upon them. they are probably tired of my whining. heck, i am tired from my whining.

i'm tired. so tired.

i wish the pain would end soon.

i can see clearly now

what kind of a man he is.

someone who is enthusiastic in the beginning about making friends and establishing relations.

and then later when he is bored or feels they are getting too close, he shuts down.

and the way he does that is by disrespecting, disregarding, ignoring them, and stop being the 'good friend' that he was before.

he just simple 'disappears' from the relationship.

once in a while, he'd initiate contact but that's just to assure himself that he still 'has' them as friends.

and they'd think he was 'back' because he was a good friend before so probably he was just too busy or occupied with other things to spend time with them.

unfortunately, they are making assumptions based on the 'him' that they thought they knew.

not the real him.

and when he is satisfied that they are still his friends, just as fast, he withdraws and stays away again.

he is too self-involved to care or be bothered to consider other people's feelings or thoughts.

he only seeks people out when it suits him. he doesn't bother to the rest of the time.

this is the real him.

i can see him clearly now.

i feel better

than i did a week ago.

there's a lot less crying, there's a lot less mourning.

i still pine for whatever it was i thought we had - there's a certain emptiness in me - but i'm so certain that feeling will go away soon.

i felt bad about what i did yesterday.

he was being civil and friendly - but i was just too annoyed and mad at him. and then i thought about all those times that i was ignored and disregarded. then i didn't feel so bad after that.

the thing is, though, knowing him, it was just like water of a duck's back. he didn't feel anything.

i'm a bit angry at myself - it's not in my nature to be like that (it's in his though) - but that was the hurt talking, i guess.

did it make me feel better?

a bit. i felt i had somehow empowered myself.

and thus i find strength in my decision and am convinced this is the right path to recovery.

this is the best path for me.

i'm sorry

i have been ignoring the signs that You have been giving me.

You kept telling me in Your countless ways that it was all wrong and that he was all wrong.

but i didn't listen.

still, You kept bestowing Your wisdom, urging me to trust You.

and still i didn't.

i've been too stubborn, too headstrong and was blinded by hope.

a baseless, useless hope.

a foolish hope.

in that foolish hope, i placed my heart, my dreams, only for them to be broken.

crushed.

i can only be thankful that You never gave up in sending and showing me those signs.

You were persistent and kind, even when i chose to ignore You, even as i insisted on following my own stubbornness.

and now,

i tire of the pain,
of the sorrow,
of the endless disappointment.

only You have never failed me.

so i surrender to Your wisdom,
i trust Your judgement,
i place my hope in You.

only You are worthy of it.

Thank You for showing me the way.

i have no joy

in my life.

it feels empty.

i drift from minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day in a state of hollowness and loneliness.

the things that used to bring joy and comfort don't do anything for me anymore.

the things that i used to enjoy doing, i don't anymore.

it's like somewhere, someone flicked off the light switch in my life.

i need to find that light switch again.

i need to find light again.

i need to find the joy within myself.

i had it once.

i can find it again.

i'm pondering

over the question of cutting off all ties.

it's something that i'd tried to do in the past weeks but have failed miserably.

because every time i talk to him, i always end up angry or feel bad about myself.

that can't be good.

common sense tells me that i need to make a clean break, take the time to heal and if i want to, continue the friendship once i feel better about myself.

but more and more, i'm questioning whether it is a friendship worth saving.

his actions and behaviour are making me question whether he is worth being friends with.

i mean, what am i really losing by not befriending him?

love? he doesn't love me.
care? he doesn't care about me.
friendship? he hasn't been a good friend at all lately. he hasn't been a friend, period.

the person that he is now, it's not someone that i'd care about.

so is he really worth it even as a friend?

i need to search myself for that answer.

i read

somewhere that it takes chemistry AND character to make a lasting relationship.

chemistry to ignite it, and character to sustain it.

we had chemistry, didn't we? that was what drew us together.

unfortunately, our characters didn't mesh.

and the chemistry wasn't enough. the chemistry gave me such high expectations for us. it gave me such high a hope.

but the things that i had hoped for, you didn't have. might as i tried to look for them in you, you don't have them.

we were compatible and we shared common interests. but we didn't have the same goals, values and priorities in life.

and at the end of the day, getting along and a shared love for music weren't enough.

to build a life together, we had to see the same future together.

and that we didn't.

i realise that now. i can see that now.

i dont know

you anymore.

you've become a stranger to me.

i can't see the person whom i use to care about so much. you are no longer that person.

and it's not just me; it's all of our friends. you seem to be pushing, driving us away.

it's like you are doing all this on purpose so that we'll stop caring.

and you're doing a mighty fine job of that.

if this is how you wish to live your life, that's your choice.

you may use your charm or whatever to make people care about you. but if you keep driving them away once they get too close, one day you'll find that you've run out of people who will.

and when you want to turn to those who did, it'll be too late.